Losing yourself in love

Relationships are tough. No one ever said that they were easy. No one ever said that things would be perfect and if you honestly believe that they will be, then you have a rude awakening headed your way. I'm not saying that a relationship can't feel perfect or that you'll never be head over heels in love forever, but things like this take time, patience, and most of all personal effort from both people in the relationship.

I fell in love. Deep in love. No it wasn't puppy love or whatever you want to call it. I'm still deep in love but I'm at the, what it feels like, rock bottom part of the relationship. Everyone must have these times right? The time where you feel like you're not meeting eye to eye and the littlest things can set you off? I'm genuinely a nice girl with established morals and values. I don't let petty things get the best of me...

I've found myself now doing the complete opposite. I get impatient and frustrated with the dumbest things. When I say dumb I mean DUMB. I've become bitter and selfish. Who is this girl? This is NOT Olivia. I don't like this girl that I've become. With all of the constant arguing and bickering back and forth I can honestly say that I'm losing my best friend and the love of my life.

I've been trying everything I can possibly do to fix this...I don't like being this way. Trust me, I don't. I catch my self rolling my eyes, or getting in a bad mood over something not worth it almost immediately after I do it. I try and apologize over and over, but sorry starts to lose it's meaning after it's said a thousand times. I love him so much and I want to go back to being the girl he fell in love with. The nice girl who always had a smile on her face. The girl who would enjoy every single second she was with him...

Although I do know that I need to fix myself, I ultimately need help from the one I love. I need for him to understand that I am trying to change and be different. I need for him to give me the chance to show him that I can do this. A chance to prove myself and show him that I'm not this girl and that I can make him happy like I once did. Let's put the past behind us and start a new beginning. I know we can do this. I need for him to stop holding grudges over my head and live for today. It's not healthy for him to throw all my mistakes in my face whenever he's upset with me. It's just not fair. It's not right when you verbally abuse me either. It seems like every time I do something to piss you off, you tear me down with words. That's not the old you either. That's not the guy I fell in love with. It's not always just me, believe it or not. It takes two to tango. I am willing to man up to my problems and swallow my pride to make things right. (Not saying that you don't)...I'm young, and I make mistakes. Everyone does...but we need these mistakes to learn from and put towards our future.

I need to find the old Olivia. I don't like who I've become and I don't like the way I've treated him. I can honestly say that's not me. That's not the person I really am. For now, I'm just going to have to work on myself and get back to the way I used to be. I've completely lost myself, and that's not fair to him. If it's meant to be, we'll find our way to each other again. If not, then I know now that I can't ever let myself get like this. I won't let myself get like this.

-Olivia Elise